Her amazing (unrecognized) sense of perfection in life is equally balanced by her socially flawed love for garlic, raw. In the wee hours of the night, I could hear her clicky-clack on the hardwood floors as she prepared for countless parties in her nightgown and little shoes, I would find sweet little notes in my homemade lunches, sandwiches always cut in hearts, her beautiful bows ordained my perfect pony.... and her open-arms would wrap me up after a full day of playing with bugs, snakes, mud, and who knows what else. Always love. Always.
Mothers are there not only to nurture, but to protect. What happens to us when we must protect ourselves? I don't know. I am 24 and still in need of protection. Constant protection. Perhaps that comes with being the youngest of 3 daughters. Perhaps that comes with being human.
One day I too will become a mother and will delightfully fill those nurturing protective shoes. Well, each day we must take steps in filling our own... for ourselves. Though my precious tiny mother does a beautiful job, we, individually are to choose our protective footwear and slip into them deliberately, constantly.
Inspired and re-convicted.... I must sign off from my dear blog. I have loved entertaining you all from the angle of my keys. I have delighted in sharing my unique-genuinely-authentic adventures, overly dramatized view of life, love, and heels. This is my step of protection. Fighting to stand tall, I have succumbed to the vulnerability of those curious eyes I so fear.... fighting to hold onto this one last link. I am releasing. Let the praises be, I am releasing.
I will lay down my pen, slip back into my heels, and grab my new precious son and march on. I think I have this life thing in the bag.... but marching in heels, raising a 4-legged royal blooded son, and meeting Mr. Cardiologist for coffee, now that's a challenge.
A challenge I will start keeping to myself.... or will I?
Now I like a good challenge, but get real! A juicy column just may be in my rotating world of opportunity. After all, 'Socially Flawless' hopefuls, there still is so much to learn!
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
My mom always said, 'You can never be too prepared!'
What do you get when you throw in a cozy restaurant, four glowing girls, glass of wine, drama from all our lives, and a four hour span? You are promised to leave with an arm load of mindful/mindless treasures.....
After a few glasses, Mrs. TV brought forth the best of warnings!
Being prepared for the worst is just a way of life. Driven by the bubbles and a classic SNL episode, we were all ears. Mrs. TV's warning reached down into the core of our beings and resulted in all of us running home and digging through our photos.
Mr. and Mrs. TV had just covered the tragic subject of 'what to do if the other went missing'. Before their conversation was over, news broke and pictures-galore flooded their TV screen. A woman had gone missing and her husband was clearly distraught. Distraught.... yes..... because she was missing.... probably. What clearly devastated him was the wrong picture had been released for the whole world to see.
In her 80's bangs, fuchsia lipstick, over-sized sweatshirt, and static-stricken hair- he knew that even if she was given the chance to return home, she would succumb to fierce public humiliation!!!!! He would be held responsible for letting the wrong picture leak.
Mrs. TV knew that she was going to do everything in her power to avoid such an embarrassment.
So, while we have the chance, be prepared. Go home, dig through all your pictures, and choose wisely. Gather those near and dear and show them which picture you would want released for the world to see. This could be the difference between life and....... life after the rotating ugly picture.
That night... in a cozy Italian restaurant... after a few glasses of wine... we all vowed to save ourselves from public disgrace. Each one of us has our 'Just Incase' picture safely displayed and ready to swing over to the police at any given time.
Choose wisely my dear blog-grazers. You just never know.........
After a few glasses, Mrs. TV brought forth the best of warnings!
Being prepared for the worst is just a way of life. Driven by the bubbles and a classic SNL episode, we were all ears. Mrs. TV's warning reached down into the core of our beings and resulted in all of us running home and digging through our photos.
Mr. and Mrs. TV had just covered the tragic subject of 'what to do if the other went missing'. Before their conversation was over, news broke and pictures-galore flooded their TV screen. A woman had gone missing and her husband was clearly distraught. Distraught.... yes..... because she was missing.... probably. What clearly devastated him was the wrong picture had been released for the whole world to see.
In her 80's bangs, fuchsia lipstick, over-sized sweatshirt, and static-stricken hair- he knew that even if she was given the chance to return home, she would succumb to fierce public humiliation!!!!! He would be held responsible for letting the wrong picture leak.
Mrs. TV knew that she was going to do everything in her power to avoid such an embarrassment.
So, while we have the chance, be prepared. Go home, dig through all your pictures, and choose wisely. Gather those near and dear and show them which picture you would want released for the world to see. This could be the difference between life and....... life after the rotating ugly picture.
That night... in a cozy Italian restaurant... after a few glasses of wine... we all vowed to save ourselves from public disgrace. Each one of us has our 'Just Incase' picture safely displayed and ready to swing over to the police at any given time.
Choose wisely my dear blog-grazers. You just never know.........
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
timing isn't everything
The things we want in a jiffy, we inturn must make a tizzy.
1. A sparkling husband and wife went on a date no more romantic than a trip to the dentist's office. What was great were their polished teeth, what was not so great was her new development of TMJ. Her new bed-side best friend: Mouth Guard was also ready for pickup that same day. This blasted thing could not come too late.
2. 'Goldie' (as we all knew her as) was the dream bikini. A healthy mix of brown and gold: the perfect blend. Anxiously awaiting its arrival for a scheduled trip with Mr. Benz, of course it would come in much too late. We waited.... and we waited..... and we waited. Long after the relationship and primetime sun/body conditioning, it would grace my mailbox. Oh to hell with Vicky's.... it will have to await next summers romantic getaways. The Vicky's associate knew this bathing beauty could not come too soon, but in turn came way too late.
3. Why when we need a dress for a certain occasion, the dry cleaners can only have it ready by Thursday, but when we have a boring cardigan they can have it next day?
4. Sparing no expense with hair appointments, I would give many a-things for a timely hair appointment. Because I go to Ms. Beauty herself, a month is the typical wait. Going to 'Dr. Female' no time at all.... of course groping would come before a deep conditioning.
5. Have you ever found a piece of jewelry that defines you? Well, flighty sounding, yes. Fearful of it running out of my life, yes. I will not risk this to the 'what ifs'. In this situation, timing is everything and I think I shall run over there and buy up my treasure before it too becomes an untimely disappointment worth pouting about.
Things we could do without, they arrive without even a pout.
1. A sparkling husband and wife went on a date no more romantic than a trip to the dentist's office. What was great were their polished teeth, what was not so great was her new development of TMJ. Her new bed-side best friend: Mouth Guard was also ready for pickup that same day. This blasted thing could not come too late.
2. 'Goldie' (as we all knew her as) was the dream bikini. A healthy mix of brown and gold: the perfect blend. Anxiously awaiting its arrival for a scheduled trip with Mr. Benz, of course it would come in much too late. We waited.... and we waited..... and we waited. Long after the relationship and primetime sun/body conditioning, it would grace my mailbox. Oh to hell with Vicky's.... it will have to await next summers romantic getaways. The Vicky's associate knew this bathing beauty could not come too soon, but in turn came way too late.
3. Why when we need a dress for a certain occasion, the dry cleaners can only have it ready by Thursday, but when we have a boring cardigan they can have it next day?
4. Sparing no expense with hair appointments, I would give many a-things for a timely hair appointment. Because I go to Ms. Beauty herself, a month is the typical wait. Going to 'Dr. Female' no time at all.... of course groping would come before a deep conditioning.
5. Have you ever found a piece of jewelry that defines you? Well, flighty sounding, yes. Fearful of it running out of my life, yes. I will not risk this to the 'what ifs'. In this situation, timing is everything and I think I shall run over there and buy up my treasure before it too becomes an untimely disappointment worth pouting about.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Free-falling in Dallas
Wrapping and packing..... and wondering when it would all end. Brad Mehldau jazzed us through the morning as mounding boxes began to move us out of the house. A dear college friend and I packed the weekend away.... all the while discussing the latest and greatest, the past pains, potential future pains, and most of all, questioning her need for all those darn blenders we were uncovering. I ask you, who needs 5 different blenders........?
The quest of moving into their very own, spacious, customized home.... was met with sad hesitation of giving up their small, one bathroom, quaint cottage. The floor to ceiling windows, thick wood floors, and pleasant aroma of the years will soon be abandoned. With my ever-present optimistic angst to move on to bigger and better.... I naturally expected the same from her. However, in all her bold ambition, dream of great things, and a fellow lover of glamorous ambiance, 'bigger and better' was overshadowed by her grand beginnings in this tiny house.
It amazes me how hard it is to move on.... let go of the old and move on with the new. The new most often if not always being better.... why do we struggle to loosen the grips only to reach for the next? We stagger in the face of uncertainty. The brief moment of free-fall.
The pressing lesson that I have years and years of relearning is that we MUST move on. We must move on to grow. For Mr. and Mrs. Cottage..... their plans of a precious family entitle them to this exciting but hesitant move. For me, though I LOVE my life in Oklahoma, the essence of moving on just may entitle me to a great move to Europe.
Hearts always content to just stay and safely be. The Lord in all His infamous glory pushing us onward, moving us out of our safe cottages, to be met with hesitant-glorious 'bigger and better'.
Moving on to bigger and better, absolutely...... sometimes met with minor longings of the past, absolutely. Trusting that whatever Divine road I take will lead ultimately to bigger and better..... it already has and it will continue. Just a day of memories and a day of moving....... on.
The quest of moving into their very own, spacious, customized home.... was met with sad hesitation of giving up their small, one bathroom, quaint cottage. The floor to ceiling windows, thick wood floors, and pleasant aroma of the years will soon be abandoned. With my ever-present optimistic angst to move on to bigger and better.... I naturally expected the same from her. However, in all her bold ambition, dream of great things, and a fellow lover of glamorous ambiance, 'bigger and better' was overshadowed by her grand beginnings in this tiny house.
It amazes me how hard it is to move on.... let go of the old and move on with the new. The new most often if not always being better.... why do we struggle to loosen the grips only to reach for the next? We stagger in the face of uncertainty. The brief moment of free-fall.
The pressing lesson that I have years and years of relearning is that we MUST move on. We must move on to grow. For Mr. and Mrs. Cottage..... their plans of a precious family entitle them to this exciting but hesitant move. For me, though I LOVE my life in Oklahoma, the essence of moving on just may entitle me to a great move to Europe.
Hearts always content to just stay and safely be. The Lord in all His infamous glory pushing us onward, moving us out of our safe cottages, to be met with hesitant-glorious 'bigger and better'.
Moving on to bigger and better, absolutely...... sometimes met with minor longings of the past, absolutely. Trusting that whatever Divine road I take will lead ultimately to bigger and better..... it already has and it will continue. Just a day of memories and a day of moving....... on.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Cashmere Crisis Center
Offering all the love I could give to my youthful god-son, I put down my notepad, threw aside my pen and shifted my cell phone......
After a few moments of quality loving, I stood up only to discover that in all of this love, I had seriously unloved the softest treasure I had worn all day.
Big, huge, uninvited, black ink marks all over my powder blue cashmere! Though my friend dear, over the phone she could not offer any of her 5-month old motherly advice. God-son's mother asked her mother who told me to call my mother. With all these 'mothers' going around... off went my favorite cashmere and on went a frown.... as I screamed, "My cashmere, my favorite cashmere!!!"
I guess that's what love looks like. Love, we offer it at the risk of dirtying 'our prized cashmere'. Frankly, I don't know if I am willing to dirty any more cashmere.... no, as for now, the pricey commodity of fragile cashmere will not be put at risk for tarnishing, I am currently in protective plastic... figuratively speaking, of course. After all, shouldn't we be saving the real cashmere for the real deal?
Will I be meeting the real deal later this week? It may be a risk worth wearing plastic, he did type 'WORD!' to which I didn't know in my right mind how to respond.... 'The Girls' all decided he was trying to be a cleaver little thing.... a cleaver little thing who will have to accept plastic for now.
Does anyone know where the nearest Cashmere Crisis Center is, my view on love and my cashmere halter have been 'inked' and in need of a good cleansing scrub.
After a few moments of quality loving, I stood up only to discover that in all of this love, I had seriously unloved the softest treasure I had worn all day.
Big, huge, uninvited, black ink marks all over my powder blue cashmere! Though my friend dear, over the phone she could not offer any of her 5-month old motherly advice. God-son's mother asked her mother who told me to call my mother. With all these 'mothers' going around... off went my favorite cashmere and on went a frown.... as I screamed, "My cashmere, my favorite cashmere!!!"
I guess that's what love looks like. Love, we offer it at the risk of dirtying 'our prized cashmere'. Frankly, I don't know if I am willing to dirty any more cashmere.... no, as for now, the pricey commodity of fragile cashmere will not be put at risk for tarnishing, I am currently in protective plastic... figuratively speaking, of course. After all, shouldn't we be saving the real cashmere for the real deal?
Will I be meeting the real deal later this week? It may be a risk worth wearing plastic, he did type 'WORD!' to which I didn't know in my right mind how to respond.... 'The Girls' all decided he was trying to be a cleaver little thing.... a cleaver little thing who will have to accept plastic for now.
Does anyone know where the nearest Cashmere Crisis Center is, my view on love and my cashmere halter have been 'inked' and in need of a good cleansing scrub.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
What package do I want, you ask?
Ever since I was a wee-little thing, I was attracted to the taller of sorts, and now.... still a wee-thing, my preference still stands tall.
Taller the better????...... well, to the eye maybe...... but is the heightened atmospheric pressure a result of these latest 'short-comings'?
Mr. 6'2-
With virtual strangers praising our union.... who would have thought my general suspicion would aid in unmasking what looked to be the flawless man?! Though his grand stature in most areas of life encouraged me onward.... my quest towards love includes trust, consistency, humility, and quite honestly a full head of hair. I just didn't see any of that in the future.
Mr. 6'4-
Just read 'Morning After Pill'.... if height proves to be a guarantee to a strange man, Mr. 6'4 solidified it. I'm done and joining a Convent.
Mr. 6'7-
Well, (sigh) Mr. 6'7. A vision of plenty. A future in the medical field, air of distinguished tendencies, great eye for fantastic jewelry, a man of many dance moves, and master of the bowling alley, this could really go somewhere. Perhaps a weekend getaway of basking in the sun will do this tower of a man and I some good.
Does taller mean better..... is choosing a man much like choosing a car. When choosing option A... does that mean option B & C are soon to follow? Or can we customize the packages? Of course not.... but it would be nice.
The question on my mind. Does height always equal strangeness?
Well, not quite sure...... I'll keep you posted on this latest experiment with Mr. 6'7.
Taller the better????...... well, to the eye maybe...... but is the heightened atmospheric pressure a result of these latest 'short-comings'?
Mr. 6'2-
With virtual strangers praising our union.... who would have thought my general suspicion would aid in unmasking what looked to be the flawless man?! Though his grand stature in most areas of life encouraged me onward.... my quest towards love includes trust, consistency, humility, and quite honestly a full head of hair. I just didn't see any of that in the future.
Mr. 6'4-
Just read 'Morning After Pill'.... if height proves to be a guarantee to a strange man, Mr. 6'4 solidified it. I'm done and joining a Convent.
Mr. 6'7-
Well, (sigh) Mr. 6'7. A vision of plenty. A future in the medical field, air of distinguished tendencies, great eye for fantastic jewelry, a man of many dance moves, and master of the bowling alley, this could really go somewhere. Perhaps a weekend getaway of basking in the sun will do this tower of a man and I some good.
Does taller mean better..... is choosing a man much like choosing a car. When choosing option A... does that mean option B & C are soon to follow? Or can we customize the packages? Of course not.... but it would be nice.
The question on my mind. Does height always equal strangeness?
Well, not quite sure...... I'll keep you posted on this latest experiment with Mr. 6'7.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
The Final Look
Well, to Nonna's I went to enjoy the company of past and present friends. For all who've been there, the atmosphere is left to stand all on its own and stands wonderfully tall. Rich walls, wonderful art, flawless lighting, masculine dark heavy tables, and oversized-impractical glasses: it is tied for second on my list of favorite restaurants.
Any who- though Nonna's is enough to keep me coming back for female lunch retreats, there is a mystery man, I am sure was hired to help solidify the ambiance. His wonderful square glasses, tailored powder-blue suites, perfectly 'product-ified' hair, and distinguished walk allows me to nestle in for the brief hour I so cherish with the girls.
Today I found myself distracted but approving of the noncommittal eye contact I was experiencing with this refined being. As lunch was winding to a close and eye-talk was underway, I decided to let the girls in on my little secret. Before the words could completely leave my lips, Ms. Discrete 1&2 turned completely around in their seats only to be met by his caught expression mirrored with my guilty smile. With our secret out, he dashed away to his duties.
Well, let the truth be known, he's pretty cute, but the gay aspect is definitely..... a definite. Very much into non-committal relationships at this moment, this minor road-block in our eye-relationship was permissible. He must have gotten nervous that he had fooled me into thinking he was walking the straight and narrow. Ever since others joined in on our secret, our relationship has not been the same...... throughout lunch.
That final look sealed the last deal that we would probably never look again.
Tragedy hit Nonna's today... tragedy and fear!
Will I ever experience their famous tomato soup again......?
OF COURSE, I'll give it a week.
Any who- though Nonna's is enough to keep me coming back for female lunch retreats, there is a mystery man, I am sure was hired to help solidify the ambiance. His wonderful square glasses, tailored powder-blue suites, perfectly 'product-ified' hair, and distinguished walk allows me to nestle in for the brief hour I so cherish with the girls.
Today I found myself distracted but approving of the noncommittal eye contact I was experiencing with this refined being. As lunch was winding to a close and eye-talk was underway, I decided to let the girls in on my little secret. Before the words could completely leave my lips, Ms. Discrete 1&2 turned completely around in their seats only to be met by his caught expression mirrored with my guilty smile. With our secret out, he dashed away to his duties.
Well, let the truth be known, he's pretty cute, but the gay aspect is definitely..... a definite. Very much into non-committal relationships at this moment, this minor road-block in our eye-relationship was permissible. He must have gotten nervous that he had fooled me into thinking he was walking the straight and narrow. Ever since others joined in on our secret, our relationship has not been the same...... throughout lunch.
That final look sealed the last deal that we would probably never look again.
Tragedy hit Nonna's today... tragedy and fear!
Will I ever experience their famous tomato soup again......?
OF COURSE, I'll give it a week.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
My Only Absolute: Do Life in Heels
In the middle of another relentless work day, a dear colleague and I ran to grab something sweet. In the middle of spiraling down the drive she said, "REINER, MARRY SOMEONE COMPLETELY WEALTHY! NOT RICH, BUT WELL-OFF!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO WORK!!!!" As a result of this order, I slammed on my breaks to evaluate my life and catch my breath.
Now, mind you, she is my precious friend from way-back-when who is happily married and is well on her way to one day being a super-stay-at-home-mom, but this random outburst just killed me. I just looked at her and said, "Blessed, that is the nicest thing you've ever said to me!"
Now, I am not the typical money magnet and frankly (contrary to popular belief) am quite low-maintenance as far as wining and dining goes, but we must listen to the advice of our friends..... we must. I don't deserve to work... okay!
I shall be the Queen Bee Volunteer mom with a great tan, amazing running schedule, perfectly groomed children, exotic marriage, dressed in stunning ivory all the time, 2 dogs, and fresh flowers in every room...... all the while doing life in heels!
I don't know whether to delete or laugh at the audacity of this vision. As always.... I'll laugh.
Well, the only absolute I know is: do life in heels. The rest is............. thankfully out of my hands.
Now, mind you, she is my precious friend from way-back-when who is happily married and is well on her way to one day being a super-stay-at-home-mom, but this random outburst just killed me. I just looked at her and said, "Blessed, that is the nicest thing you've ever said to me!"
Now, I am not the typical money magnet and frankly (contrary to popular belief) am quite low-maintenance as far as wining and dining goes, but we must listen to the advice of our friends..... we must. I don't deserve to work... okay!
I shall be the Queen Bee Volunteer mom with a great tan, amazing running schedule, perfectly groomed children, exotic marriage, dressed in stunning ivory all the time, 2 dogs, and fresh flowers in every room...... all the while doing life in heels!
I don't know whether to delete or laugh at the audacity of this vision. As always.... I'll laugh.
Well, the only absolute I know is: do life in heels. The rest is............. thankfully out of my hands.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Morning After Pill, please!
It all started so sweet, a relationship of less than 2 days, face-to-face for only 5 minutes, and 2 phonecalls: destiny. Apparently he saw me from afar, did some research, asked some questions, and stepped up to bat by walking through my office door; all of which I find extremely appealing... however, one must remember there is a fine line between pleasantly persistant and seriously scary. I, unfortunately became aware a little after handing over my digits of what side of the line I found him to be.
Older in age, he just seemed rather grounded- beyond the games I am able to smell a mile away. Well, my nose must have had the sniffles, because this lad was teetering over the edge. I should have grabbed the red flags and ran, but feeling adventurous, I adjusted my blinders and marched my way to the restaurant where he and HIS MOTHER were having dinner. He apparently was very eager for the two women in his life to meet.
As I entered the darkened lower level of the restaurant, I should have listened to my intuition and ran back up the stairs. Well, obligation and his everything-but-subtle gestures lured me in and found me trapped in the moment. As if our awkward embrace was not enough, the refreshing misters gave off the seductive appearance of a frightening alley-way. His daunting-deliberate eye contact kept me questioning, "So, do I have clothes on right now....????". Using my arms to cover my bare skin, I put on my tolerating charm to make the night as bearable as possible. Out of charm's control was what came from his mother's mouth:
Mr. 6'4: "Well, didn't I tell you mom?"
Pressure Cooker: "Well honey, you sure do choose them. Dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin...... oh I shouldn't have said that..... that may add pressure."
Mr. 6'4: "Well, I know we haven't made it official, but we've definitely talked about it."
Wait.... what.... am I here? And make what official.... the fact that I'm about to jump in the canal and swim my way to safety is the only thing that will be made official!!!
I managed to veer the conversation away to something more.... uncomfortable... resulting in him spouting bible references at me. Oh, the laws of being socially flawless were almost thrown to the wind, as I casually stretched out my arms and announced my need to prematurally depart from this 'family gathering'.
As we walked through the streets, dear mom announced that she was going to 'look at something over there'........... coincidentally leaving her only child to walk me through a darkened parking lot!!! Utterly speechless at this amazing double team tactic, my responses got short, steps fastened, and the goal of getting to my car was the only thing on my mind. I strategically opened my car door before he could act on his obvious intensions, nodded and soaked up the obvious hand of God that was over me---- all joking aside, not kidding.
Though I love watching men seek out their prey, strategize, and go in for the kill- this was a bit too much like an actual hunting escapade. A great scene through Africa, but not along the streets of OKC. As for this pro-pitcher, he had better take his game elsewhere.
I mean.... really, what the HELL was I thinking? Does anyone have any extra skin, I think mine is still crawling.
Older in age, he just seemed rather grounded- beyond the games I am able to smell a mile away. Well, my nose must have had the sniffles, because this lad was teetering over the edge. I should have grabbed the red flags and ran, but feeling adventurous, I adjusted my blinders and marched my way to the restaurant where he and HIS MOTHER were having dinner. He apparently was very eager for the two women in his life to meet.
As I entered the darkened lower level of the restaurant, I should have listened to my intuition and ran back up the stairs. Well, obligation and his everything-but-subtle gestures lured me in and found me trapped in the moment. As if our awkward embrace was not enough, the refreshing misters gave off the seductive appearance of a frightening alley-way. His daunting-deliberate eye contact kept me questioning, "So, do I have clothes on right now....????". Using my arms to cover my bare skin, I put on my tolerating charm to make the night as bearable as possible. Out of charm's control was what came from his mother's mouth:
Mr. 6'4: "Well, didn't I tell you mom?"
Pressure Cooker: "Well honey, you sure do choose them. Dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin...... oh I shouldn't have said that..... that may add pressure."
Mr. 6'4: "Well, I know we haven't made it official, but we've definitely talked about it."
Wait.... what.... am I here? And make what official.... the fact that I'm about to jump in the canal and swim my way to safety is the only thing that will be made official!!!
I managed to veer the conversation away to something more.... uncomfortable... resulting in him spouting bible references at me. Oh, the laws of being socially flawless were almost thrown to the wind, as I casually stretched out my arms and announced my need to prematurally depart from this 'family gathering'.
As we walked through the streets, dear mom announced that she was going to 'look at something over there'........... coincidentally leaving her only child to walk me through a darkened parking lot!!! Utterly speechless at this amazing double team tactic, my responses got short, steps fastened, and the goal of getting to my car was the only thing on my mind. I strategically opened my car door before he could act on his obvious intensions, nodded and soaked up the obvious hand of God that was over me---- all joking aside, not kidding.
Though I love watching men seek out their prey, strategize, and go in for the kill- this was a bit too much like an actual hunting escapade. A great scene through Africa, but not along the streets of OKC. As for this pro-pitcher, he had better take his game elsewhere.
I mean.... really, what the HELL was I thinking? Does anyone have any extra skin, I think mine is still crawling.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
The Sweet Victory
If you are of the normal human-being population, we've all found ourselves in situations where someone completely obliterated the light within us: ultimate rejection...... resulting in secret hopes of one day: sweet victory.
Well, here's to an absolutely true story we can all secretly relate to and wholeheartedly celebrate with. Whether this finds you happily single, recently broken hearted, securely married, hot on the pursuit, or perfectly ..... you ... cuddle close and soak up this award winning true life victory.....a story not my own.........
The dreaded Ex just walked in. Due to your reagnited glow they instantly spot you from amongst the crowd. For some strange-incomprehensible reason they think they still own the seat directly next to you.... the one they threw away.
While engaging in directionless conversation with the Ex, the new and improved 'love' maneuvers their way over. In all his grand and unquestionable glory announces without a shadow to doubt, "Ummm, can you move over!!!"........ in such a way that all girls around raise their hands and sing praises to the highest!!! The new and improved has no idea who this seat-snatcher is; totally oblivious to the sweet victory he just awarded!!!
The staunchy Ex is totally blind-sighted, shaken from the sudden blow off the enticing spot he once occupied but now has to surrender. He moves over in complete disbelief. Only he is not the only person bewildered. In your heart as he moves, you know that even 'Sex and the City' could not have drawn up a better scene. No pre-arranged setup, not a result of bitter rage, no intentional hurting of feelings, but just the laws of....... happenstance.
As the camera zooms out and the lights begin to fade, in this moment, the Ex ends up scooching over next to your best friend who offers painfully discrete details as to who this new dream is. The Ex remains rigid on the edge of their seat sulking in defeat. Your eyes glimmer as you nestle back into the hunky arms of your new 'love'.
Here's to happenstance!
Well, here's to an absolutely true story we can all secretly relate to and wholeheartedly celebrate with. Whether this finds you happily single, recently broken hearted, securely married, hot on the pursuit, or perfectly ..... you ... cuddle close and soak up this award winning true life victory.....a story not my own.........
The dreaded Ex just walked in. Due to your reagnited glow they instantly spot you from amongst the crowd. For some strange-incomprehensible reason they think they still own the seat directly next to you.... the one they threw away.
While engaging in directionless conversation with the Ex, the new and improved 'love' maneuvers their way over. In all his grand and unquestionable glory announces without a shadow to doubt, "Ummm, can you move over!!!"........ in such a way that all girls around raise their hands and sing praises to the highest!!! The new and improved has no idea who this seat-snatcher is; totally oblivious to the sweet victory he just awarded!!!
The staunchy Ex is totally blind-sighted, shaken from the sudden blow off the enticing spot he once occupied but now has to surrender. He moves over in complete disbelief. Only he is not the only person bewildered. In your heart as he moves, you know that even 'Sex and the City' could not have drawn up a better scene. No pre-arranged setup, not a result of bitter rage, no intentional hurting of feelings, but just the laws of....... happenstance.
As the camera zooms out and the lights begin to fade, in this moment, the Ex ends up scooching over next to your best friend who offers painfully discrete details as to who this new dream is. The Ex remains rigid on the edge of their seat sulking in defeat. Your eyes glimmer as you nestle back into the hunky arms of your new 'love'.
Here's to happenstance!
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Need to lose weight, join our table......
Another day out to lunch... and no regrets after nibbling on Nonna's bread..... in my chosen company I am constantly absorbed in the best form of workout..... whole-hearted laughter. I am blessed in that each summer day I pout my way into the windowless office but undoubtedly leave a far brighter person and one step closer to my goal of a six pack!
Though I find the simplest of things drastically beautiful, the girls I work with not only exude it, but define it. These girls just so happen to be in my selective circle of soul-friends.... our friendship is drastically beautiful.
My assistant refers to us as the 'Sorority Sisters'... as a result of the overwhelming laughter that floats from our world and into the office all day long. We hold morning meetings to recap our exciting nights, solve each ones immediate travesties, compliment the most recent purchases, and discuss the latest world developments in the most non-dramatic ways of course.
The glittering light and unmatched energy that radiates from one is perfectly balanced by the elegant maturity and whitty repartee from the other. I somehow fit smack in the middle resulting in Triple Trouble.
Today, much like every day, stories from the past were flowing much like our tears! Out to lunch, we were surrounded by stuffy suits, intimate lunch-takers, and upright servers.... however nothing could hinder our uncontrollable laughter as character building memories were shared. It seems that everywhere we go, whether we're sharing or experiencing..... we walk right into new hilarious stories with no anticipation.
So, though working out is vital, if you need to lose weight and see a table full of boisterous beauties, I am undoubtedly out to lunch with exquisite entertainment.... and by all means, join our table. But two words of caution, there will be no dry eyes and a guarantee of extreme stomach soreness to follow.
How ironic that just yesterday I was researching health news and yet again the idea of laughter not only being good for the soul but now is great for the waisteline splashed across my screen. Well, we three are well on our way to long, healthy, skinny lives!
Though I find the simplest of things drastically beautiful, the girls I work with not only exude it, but define it. These girls just so happen to be in my selective circle of soul-friends.... our friendship is drastically beautiful.
My assistant refers to us as the 'Sorority Sisters'... as a result of the overwhelming laughter that floats from our world and into the office all day long. We hold morning meetings to recap our exciting nights, solve each ones immediate travesties, compliment the most recent purchases, and discuss the latest world developments in the most non-dramatic ways of course.
The glittering light and unmatched energy that radiates from one is perfectly balanced by the elegant maturity and whitty repartee from the other. I somehow fit smack in the middle resulting in Triple Trouble.
Today, much like every day, stories from the past were flowing much like our tears! Out to lunch, we were surrounded by stuffy suits, intimate lunch-takers, and upright servers.... however nothing could hinder our uncontrollable laughter as character building memories were shared. It seems that everywhere we go, whether we're sharing or experiencing..... we walk right into new hilarious stories with no anticipation.
So, though working out is vital, if you need to lose weight and see a table full of boisterous beauties, I am undoubtedly out to lunch with exquisite entertainment.... and by all means, join our table. But two words of caution, there will be no dry eyes and a guarantee of extreme stomach soreness to follow.
How ironic that just yesterday I was researching health news and yet again the idea of laughter not only being good for the soul but now is great for the waisteline splashed across my screen. Well, we three are well on our way to long, healthy, skinny lives!
Friday, June 10, 2005
Office Talk
Reiner: Just a reminder, I will be out the majority of Tuesday and all day Wednesday. Thanks!
Assistant: No!!!!
Reiner: No...... ???? I'm hungry.... will you get me something to eat?
Assistant: What?!?!?! OK I get it! Ask the fat chick if she's got food. She must have a stash some where. Probably keeps a fruit cake in her purse at all times!....Maybe she has a rotisserie chicken in her pants pocket!... You know I store food in my cheeks for just these occasions.
Reiner: You kill me.... YOU ABSOLUTELY KILL ME! Angie.... never mind about the food.... thinking of eating food that has sat in your cheeks.... well, I guess it would depend on how long it had sat there. I'm pretty hungry.
Assistant: Does it matter which cheeks?
...... dead cyber air ......
Assistant: No!!!!
Reiner: No...... ???? I'm hungry.... will you get me something to eat?
Assistant: What?!?!?! OK I get it! Ask the fat chick if she's got food. She must have a stash some where. Probably keeps a fruit cake in her purse at all times!....Maybe she has a rotisserie chicken in her pants pocket!... You know I store food in my cheeks for just these occasions.
Reiner: You kill me.... YOU ABSOLUTELY KILL ME! Angie.... never mind about the food.... thinking of eating food that has sat in your cheeks.... well, I guess it would depend on how long it had sat there. I'm pretty hungry.
Assistant: Does it matter which cheeks?
...... dead cyber air ......
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Fashionably Flawed
On one of my routine escapes from the office, I witnessed a tragedy in the fashion world. I swung by the Myriad Gardens soaking up the perfect green scene, enjoying the blue sky through my open sun roof and
grove' in to Maroon 5.... all that went to waste-side as I passed by a serious cry for help.
This woman.... this precious oblivious thing.... was walking across the main street wearing nothing more than a rusty old pair of running shoes, an oversized t-shirt, and what looked to be a pair of red underwear glowing from the short hemline of her shirt. A double take- this time with sun glasses removed- just to make sure it was a true vision of..... unfortunate boldness?????!!!!! Indeed. Red full-coverage granny-panties for all to see.
What happened to her missing pants....... should I have offered her the very clothes I was wearing.... I would rather endure the public attention of revealing my scanty secret apparel than let this little woman walk bottomless through the streets.
Downtown- you just never know what you're going to get........
grove' in to Maroon 5.... all that went to waste-side as I passed by a serious cry for help.
This woman.... this precious oblivious thing.... was walking across the main street wearing nothing more than a rusty old pair of running shoes, an oversized t-shirt, and what looked to be a pair of red underwear glowing from the short hemline of her shirt. A double take- this time with sun glasses removed- just to make sure it was a true vision of..... unfortunate boldness?????!!!!! Indeed. Red full-coverage granny-panties for all to see.
What happened to her missing pants....... should I have offered her the very clothes I was wearing.... I would rather endure the public attention of revealing my scanty secret apparel than let this little woman walk bottomless through the streets.
Downtown- you just never know what you're going to get........
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
To Be Hopeful in Trusting and Cleverly Suspicious
A wonderful life-twist has sent me twirling through a garden of varying aromas... some that leave me breathing more deeply, while other odors subtly tamper with my gag reflexes. My reemergence into the world of dating has truly been eventful.... leaving room for several stories that leave 'The Girls' laughing for hours. Having met several different eligible bachelors, they have all tended to be on the older side, confident side, wealthier standing, diverse professions/upbringings, interesting hobbies, and my reaction to all of them has been: utter amazement! Utter amazement in how hysterical they all.... we all are! I will bring you into pieces of my dating life so as to spare/share the lessons I have unintentionally-unregrettably gained in these last months.
Lesson #1: The older we become, the differences between men and women only magnify!!! As of late, I have found this to be a huge source of entertainment. I love that we think, breath, look, eat, prefer, perceive, reason differently. Though this reality can breed frustration, it is always met with luring curiosity.
Lesson #1: The older we become, the differences between men and women only magnify!!! As of late, I have found this to be a huge source of entertainment. I love that we think, breath, look, eat, prefer, perceive, reason differently. Though this reality can breed frustration, it is always met with luring curiosity.
My latest scenario sent me reaching into my primal-uncensored bag of protective honesty..... or what we can call..... sass at its best. After 4.5 years of trial and error.... to be hopeful in trusting and cleverly suspicious is the only way... as of now.
So, when you've met your match and are fidgety from confusion.... simply copy my e-mail word for word.....
"Honestly...... I think we're just two very busy people who are looking for two very different things. Though this has had it's share of fun, I think it's time we jump off this Bachelor-audition. I'm always down for hanging out but just wanted to clear up the confusing ground we're standing on. Have a great Memorial Day weekend-"
For the record, this latest man definitely left me breathing more deeply.
Perhaps.....
Another time another day another garden.
Friday, May 20, 2005
From my angle.....
So, another great day of Reiner-itis.
I was deeply involved in a conversation with one of my dear friends while driving home from work. Well, in the midst of discussing the latest beauty secrets I glimpsed down at my passenger floor board only to find that I had a surprise unwelcomed passenger.
While at a stop light I start screaming, "OH MY F-ING WORD!!!! OH MY F-ING WORD!!!" DISCLAIMER: 'F-ing' is truly what came out of my mouth... the Lord probably did not shine His face on that one nor did the element of class prevail, but at least I refrained from using the real deal.... unless I'm talking about Bin Laden!
My now panicking friend thought I had been in a huge collision to which I nearly had as I swung my car into the nearest safe-haven....7-Eleven. From my angle, in clear-broad daylight, I was escorting a baby tarantella!
As my horror escalated and voice got higher in pitch, I dashed out of my car to find my hero.
Now, let me pause to remind you where I am: 7 Eleven.... my selection of a 'hero' consisted of the following:
1. The typical painter/construction worker who fails to wear deodorant after a long day in the sun, wind, and dirt pit.
2. The 14 month :) pregnant women who has decided that the whole Britney Spears-no shoes thing is super cool.
3. And finally, the average teen male entourage who either are not of legal age to be cruising or fresh off the press license carriers engaging a four-block radius with Eminem.
So, my selection was thus.... until the 'man of- make...me...melt' whisked through the doors. With Aimee still on the line... my hero and I met in the middle and I convinced him that immediate rescuing was in order... while assuring him I was totally serious and that he was not on TV.
We..... being he rushed to the scene... did some investigating and emptied the floor mat of the horrible furry creature. Able to breath a little easier.... I said (in a very genuinely dramatic way, of course),
"Wasn't he just HUGE..... do we think he's dead or alive?"
Hero: "I think he's dead."
Me: "What do we think he was?"
Hero: "I do believe he was a...... GRASSHOPPER."
A moment of serious silence and reflection took place. Thankfully his voice was rather soft and totally full of respect as he announced the brand of passenger, but I'm sure a few curious folks over-heard due to the mini crowd I obliviously drew. I will spare you my reasons for confusing a grasshopper for a terantella, but let me assure you they are totally legitimate! We both laughted a little, I climbed into my exterminated car only to hear Aimee say, "I can't believe you, you kill me, you absolutely kill me!!!" Well, you'd think I'd want to kill myself after something like this..... but it's just another day.
Can you imagine the conversation he had with his friends.... "So, I met this girl......."
I was deeply involved in a conversation with one of my dear friends while driving home from work. Well, in the midst of discussing the latest beauty secrets I glimpsed down at my passenger floor board only to find that I had a surprise unwelcomed passenger.
While at a stop light I start screaming, "OH MY F-ING WORD!!!! OH MY F-ING WORD!!!" DISCLAIMER: 'F-ing' is truly what came out of my mouth... the Lord probably did not shine His face on that one nor did the element of class prevail, but at least I refrained from using the real deal.... unless I'm talking about Bin Laden!
My now panicking friend thought I had been in a huge collision to which I nearly had as I swung my car into the nearest safe-haven....7-Eleven. From my angle, in clear-broad daylight, I was escorting a baby tarantella!
As my horror escalated and voice got higher in pitch, I dashed out of my car to find my hero.
Now, let me pause to remind you where I am: 7 Eleven.... my selection of a 'hero' consisted of the following:
1. The typical painter/construction worker who fails to wear deodorant after a long day in the sun, wind, and dirt pit.
2. The 14 month :) pregnant women who has decided that the whole Britney Spears-no shoes thing is super cool.
3. And finally, the average teen male entourage who either are not of legal age to be cruising or fresh off the press license carriers engaging a four-block radius with Eminem.
So, my selection was thus.... until the 'man of- make...me...melt' whisked through the doors. With Aimee still on the line... my hero and I met in the middle and I convinced him that immediate rescuing was in order... while assuring him I was totally serious and that he was not on TV.
We..... being he rushed to the scene... did some investigating and emptied the floor mat of the horrible furry creature. Able to breath a little easier.... I said (in a very genuinely dramatic way, of course),
"Wasn't he just HUGE..... do we think he's dead or alive?"
Hero: "I think he's dead."
Me: "What do we think he was?"
Hero: "I do believe he was a...... GRASSHOPPER."
A moment of serious silence and reflection took place. Thankfully his voice was rather soft and totally full of respect as he announced the brand of passenger, but I'm sure a few curious folks over-heard due to the mini crowd I obliviously drew. I will spare you my reasons for confusing a grasshopper for a terantella, but let me assure you they are totally legitimate! We both laughted a little, I climbed into my exterminated car only to hear Aimee say, "I can't believe you, you kill me, you absolutely kill me!!!" Well, you'd think I'd want to kill myself after something like this..... but it's just another day.
Can you imagine the conversation he had with his friends.... "So, I met this girl......."
Monday, May 16, 2005
Famous Last Quote
In response to the secret rubber band theory, "The only rubber band he's going to see is the one he smacks on his own ass as I prance by!"
This, my dear is free for all kinds of interpretation!
This, my dear is free for all kinds of interpretation!
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Tired Little Muscle
At the close of each day, as I climb into my perfectly soft heaven-sent bed I find that I am completely and utterly exhausted! Not really from the stress my job naturally carries, nor from the heavy life I balance outside of work, and not entirely from the physical strain I self-infict on my body.
At the end of the day, my mind was the part of me that would surge full force ahead into the land of dreams. Now the muscle that wishes to go on an unending vacation is the tiniest by far: my tongue. To sit in silence is a rare delicacy... to experience empty air would be the most beautiful of symphonies.
At this stage of life, this is a crazy, but an ever-present reality... almost humorous in its conviction! For my tongue to be more tired than my mind! Now that says something....
GO BACK TO SCHOOL...... well, I just might.
At the end of the day, my mind was the part of me that would surge full force ahead into the land of dreams. Now the muscle that wishes to go on an unending vacation is the tiniest by far: my tongue. To sit in silence is a rare delicacy... to experience empty air would be the most beautiful of symphonies.
At this stage of life, this is a crazy, but an ever-present reality... almost humorous in its conviction! For my tongue to be more tired than my mind! Now that says something....
GO BACK TO SCHOOL...... well, I just might.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Some Free Advice- from a Princess
The other day a friend and I were talking about a recent end to a dating relationship. After ruffling my feathers by calling question to her excessive feminine qualities, we settled on common ground. My dear friend just couldn't handle dating a Princess.
To his credit, they did seem to have different priorities; her's being a little shallow, non-edifying, an ounce demanding, everything handed to her on a silver platter, extra irritable.... back to the point.
The next morning while getting ready the whole topic of 'princesshood' came fluttering back. Being an earned and self-proclaimed Princess, the idea of the title presenting any complication once baffled me, however through my years I have counseled several similar individuals as my dear ex-relationship friend. Some people really just can't handle the title- much less the accompanied duties.
As I was humorously reviewing this (over-dramatic-intended to make you shake your head... I'll admit it!) principle, my eyes slowly wandered upon my full length mirror to my reflection. With a straightener in one hand, and Aquafina bottle in the other, at 6:30AM my attire spoke to all the curious non-exposed Princess folks. So my advice to Anti-Princess-Guy was...... "Don't date a girl who wears cute black and white polka-dotted underwear with a bow, matching t-shirt, and sparkly heals while getting ready in the morning, vaccuming, cooking, cleaning, gardening (just kidding) and really anything else." I think he's really heeded my advice.
To his credit, they did seem to have different priorities; her's being a little shallow, non-edifying, an ounce demanding, everything handed to her on a silver platter, extra irritable.... back to the point.
The next morning while getting ready the whole topic of 'princesshood' came fluttering back. Being an earned and self-proclaimed Princess, the idea of the title presenting any complication once baffled me, however through my years I have counseled several similar individuals as my dear ex-relationship friend. Some people really just can't handle the title- much less the accompanied duties.
As I was humorously reviewing this (over-dramatic-intended to make you shake your head... I'll admit it!) principle, my eyes slowly wandered upon my full length mirror to my reflection. With a straightener in one hand, and Aquafina bottle in the other, at 6:30AM my attire spoke to all the curious non-exposed Princess folks. So my advice to Anti-Princess-Guy was...... "Don't date a girl who wears cute black and white polka-dotted underwear with a bow, matching t-shirt, and sparkly heals while getting ready in the morning, vaccuming, cooking, cleaning, gardening (just kidding) and really anything else." I think he's really heeded my advice.
Monday, April 04, 2005
I'm falling in love.....
I have to admit, every day I fall more in love.....
I melt at the sight of a beautiful sunset.... though have learned I can't stomach it upside down in the back of a truck!
The contagious excitement of longer days, deeper sunshine and gloriously sweet breezes lengthen the understanding of my soul and Savior.
I am seduced by the color green... the signature of life... the amazing wonder of a new beginning.
Running underneath the shadows of budding trees promise security and whisper secrets of my future.
The simplicity of being outside only to feel the wind wrap its arms around every inch of my body awakens my heart.
I love falling in love with life....... It draws me closer to the senses of every moment , deeper to the loved ones I'm lured to and saturated with, and places an urgent rush/exciting anxiety to be more in love with my Father who created the very essence of love.
Oh, I love falling more in love. After all, isn't life all about love?
I melt at the sight of a beautiful sunset.... though have learned I can't stomach it upside down in the back of a truck!
The contagious excitement of longer days, deeper sunshine and gloriously sweet breezes lengthen the understanding of my soul and Savior.
I am seduced by the color green... the signature of life... the amazing wonder of a new beginning.
Running underneath the shadows of budding trees promise security and whisper secrets of my future.
The simplicity of being outside only to feel the wind wrap its arms around every inch of my body awakens my heart.
I love falling in love with life....... It draws me closer to the senses of every moment , deeper to the loved ones I'm lured to and saturated with, and places an urgent rush/exciting anxiety to be more in love with my Father who created the very essence of love.
Oh, I love falling more in love. After all, isn't life all about love?
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Surprise..... I welcome you to my own party!!!
One of the many golden 'Reiner Philosophies' which will one day be handed down the Van Gordon generational chain is:
When walking into a room full of loved and unknown, welcome each person as though they have come for your party..... treasure them as though each are a gift. Allow your inner glow to so surpass those around you that they too become radiant. I have tested this theory for years and it has become notorious for its infectious victory.
I challenge you to let your genuine inner beauty escape, bless those with all the love and acceptance that is in your being. I often wonder why we contain what the Lord has created within us to bless.
As my advice on interviewing was to my dear Sarah..... "Wear your prettiest underwear, roll your shoulders back, chest out, head high, breath confidence, and march on in!"
March on into your party, march on into LIFE!
When walking into a room full of loved and unknown, welcome each person as though they have come for your party..... treasure them as though each are a gift. Allow your inner glow to so surpass those around you that they too become radiant. I have tested this theory for years and it has become notorious for its infectious victory.
I challenge you to let your genuine inner beauty escape, bless those with all the love and acceptance that is in your being. I often wonder why we contain what the Lord has created within us to bless.
As my advice on interviewing was to my dear Sarah..... "Wear your prettiest underwear, roll your shoulders back, chest out, head high, breath confidence, and march on in!"
March on into your party, march on into LIFE!
Monday, March 14, 2005
Cheap entertainment...... anyone?
Entertainment comes in all different shapes and sizes! I am proud to place myself close to the top of prime-classic-cheap entertainment! Yes, CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT!!!!! I find much humor in being a girl and thus find mutual laughter/understanding in watching other girls foster in their own female kingdoms. I am willing to share my worthy-firmly anchored crown with my lovely neighbors; Thelma and Louise.
The long day and late night was creaking with anticipation for a plushy pillow to rest her eyes. Another Bachelorette Girl's Night was over and a mere hop, skip, and jump from my neighbor's house to my tiny palace was in order. Louise came to wish me goodnight as I slipped on my shoes. Before I could twist my way in, a large black creepy critter darted from under my shoe and into the Land of the Unknown.
With that, all expectations of a routine goodnight flew out the window as my scream soon accompanied by Louise' wail echoed through the house. After a few jumps, squirms, and squeals, silence filled the room. All three of us, eyes wide, chests heaving, and all peering around from our hiding places knew what was to come. A battle between bug and female!
Battle Plan #1: Build your army both emotionally and physically. Pleading Thelma into the room upped the numbers 3-1. A few encouraging cheers to motivate the troops.
Battle Plan #2: Remove all barrier between bed and bug. Louise began pulling miscellaneous objects from the wilderness exposing a years worth of cramped space, filled boxes, and a large opened bag of Hershey's Kisses.
Battle Plan #3: Identify the culprit: Bag of Hershey Kisses. Louise now knows the golden rule from camp; NO FOOD IN THE CABIN!!!!
As Louise tore through the treasured, momentarily hated items, Thelma and I aided on the other side..... carefully removing potential hiding places for the black legged bandit.
Suspense heightened as one unfaithful, dishonorable, traitor of an empty Bible bag was left all on its own under the bed. As Louise and I jabbed at the soiled bag with a serious plank of wood nothing happened..... we knew we were making eye contact with the thief of peace, but we could not find him.
As the situation got more entertaining due to the disorderly crime scene and extreme safety measures, we got more bold. The sinful bag began creeping towards us out from the darkness and into the light. With every ounce of holiness, we began beating the bag. The large demonic specimen came out from hiding waving his flag of surrender and with several holy blows was pronounced dead approximately around 11:25pm.
To proceed with caution, we went back to basics of the Van Gordon Law. Cover all creatures, dead or alive with cups and wait for the man of the house to come home and discard all unwanted bodies. Now that the roach was killed and empty-old-Bible bag thrown outside as punishment for housing an enemy we were once again restored to the life of peace and sanctity.
You couldn't pay for entertainment like this! One more bug down makes life a little more safe, wouldn't you agree?
The long day and late night was creaking with anticipation for a plushy pillow to rest her eyes. Another Bachelorette Girl's Night was over and a mere hop, skip, and jump from my neighbor's house to my tiny palace was in order. Louise came to wish me goodnight as I slipped on my shoes. Before I could twist my way in, a large black creepy critter darted from under my shoe and into the Land of the Unknown.
With that, all expectations of a routine goodnight flew out the window as my scream soon accompanied by Louise' wail echoed through the house. After a few jumps, squirms, and squeals, silence filled the room. All three of us, eyes wide, chests heaving, and all peering around from our hiding places knew what was to come. A battle between bug and female!
Battle Plan #1: Build your army both emotionally and physically. Pleading Thelma into the room upped the numbers 3-1. A few encouraging cheers to motivate the troops.
Battle Plan #2: Remove all barrier between bed and bug. Louise began pulling miscellaneous objects from the wilderness exposing a years worth of cramped space, filled boxes, and a large opened bag of Hershey's Kisses.
Battle Plan #3: Identify the culprit: Bag of Hershey Kisses. Louise now knows the golden rule from camp; NO FOOD IN THE CABIN!!!!
As Louise tore through the treasured, momentarily hated items, Thelma and I aided on the other side..... carefully removing potential hiding places for the black legged bandit.
Suspense heightened as one unfaithful, dishonorable, traitor of an empty Bible bag was left all on its own under the bed. As Louise and I jabbed at the soiled bag with a serious plank of wood nothing happened..... we knew we were making eye contact with the thief of peace, but we could not find him.
As the situation got more entertaining due to the disorderly crime scene and extreme safety measures, we got more bold. The sinful bag began creeping towards us out from the darkness and into the light. With every ounce of holiness, we began beating the bag. The large demonic specimen came out from hiding waving his flag of surrender and with several holy blows was pronounced dead approximately around 11:25pm.
To proceed with caution, we went back to basics of the Van Gordon Law. Cover all creatures, dead or alive with cups and wait for the man of the house to come home and discard all unwanted bodies. Now that the roach was killed and empty-old-Bible bag thrown outside as punishment for housing an enemy we were once again restored to the life of peace and sanctity.
You couldn't pay for entertainment like this! One more bug down makes life a little more safe, wouldn't you agree?
Friday, March 04, 2005
Seamstress to Sewer.........
Yielding itself towards the gloomier of days, I ventured through my unfortunate neighborhood of abandoned shopping carts, tailess hungry cats, and multiplied by the dozen families. How I have survived this 'ghetto-inhabited hood' is beyond me: perhaps by the prayers of my forefathers and the pleading of my dear mother.
Regardless, for some strange reason that day I decided to take it all in. In the process of saturating myself with the rugged appearance, a HELP WANTED sign stood out from all the other 'SINGLES?', 'Kissmygrass', and Bailbonds notices. It read "Cheap Sewer Work". I nearly jumped out of my skin! I am in the process of hiring an 'experienced sewer' and have had a bit of a challenge finding one: the Lord has heard my cries for help!
With not an ounce of hesitation I grabbed my cell phone and dialed my fortunate-future-fantastic-employee. As my adrenalin kicked in, I anxiously waited for a sweet old woman's voice to accept my unimagineable offer of work. Before the phone even rang 3 times, my companies future was completely drawn out.
The mental construction of my future office site was suddenly demolished by a deep, dirty, southern, smokey man's voice.... "Haelo?" Trying not to sound disturbed or stereotypically surprised, "Ummm, I am responding to a sign posted regarding sewers.".... "What you said?".... "I'm wondering if you are looking for work, or wanting to hire an experienced seamstress?".... a few empty seconds.... "Honey, I don't know what you're talking 'bout, I clean out sewage."
I honestly think he was too clouded by his constant bowel-plunging that he couldn't enjoy this Friends episode I created. Sewer and sewer, who would know the difference! I seem to invite these situations quite regularly and on a rare moment am I willing to share. Learn from me, DON'T CALL POSTED NUMBERS YOU FIND ON THE SIDE OF ROADS.
As for this classic moment, "No, though I am emptying my life of dirty shit, sewage doesn't seem to be my problem right now! Thanks."
Regardless, for some strange reason that day I decided to take it all in. In the process of saturating myself with the rugged appearance, a HELP WANTED sign stood out from all the other 'SINGLES?', 'Kissmygrass', and Bailbonds notices. It read "Cheap Sewer Work". I nearly jumped out of my skin! I am in the process of hiring an 'experienced sewer' and have had a bit of a challenge finding one: the Lord has heard my cries for help!
With not an ounce of hesitation I grabbed my cell phone and dialed my fortunate-future-fantastic-employee. As my adrenalin kicked in, I anxiously waited for a sweet old woman's voice to accept my unimagineable offer of work. Before the phone even rang 3 times, my companies future was completely drawn out.
The mental construction of my future office site was suddenly demolished by a deep, dirty, southern, smokey man's voice.... "Haelo?" Trying not to sound disturbed or stereotypically surprised, "Ummm, I am responding to a sign posted regarding sewers.".... "What you said?".... "I'm wondering if you are looking for work, or wanting to hire an experienced seamstress?".... a few empty seconds.... "Honey, I don't know what you're talking 'bout, I clean out sewage."
I honestly think he was too clouded by his constant bowel-plunging that he couldn't enjoy this Friends episode I created. Sewer and sewer, who would know the difference! I seem to invite these situations quite regularly and on a rare moment am I willing to share. Learn from me, DON'T CALL POSTED NUMBERS YOU FIND ON THE SIDE OF ROADS.
As for this classic moment, "No, though I am emptying my life of dirty shit, sewage doesn't seem to be my problem right now! Thanks."
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Legally BLOND... it's not always in the hair
Living life as a blond has been wonderful. I have flipped my way out of several tickets, twirled my hair around my finger to retake a forbidden test, doors open wide due to the flirtatious breeze through my locks , and well, naturally used it for my benefit in nearly every rightful situation. Being a blond requires an extra dose of coaching and counseling. However, in all my prideful allotment, I have handled myself like a pro! A truly inherent blond..... with a little chemical help but WHO'S ASKING?!!!
As perfect blonds are; we are always looking for new and exciting adventures. Well, my new and exciting adventure came about in the way of turning a new leaf. I have converted.......into a AUBURN-BRUNETTE!!!!! Might I remind all of you that I have never before been a brunette, but let me assure you that I am handling it was ease! A natural transition out of the old and into the new! This new wave of elegance and maturity is settling in rather comfortably.
No need to fear, the same me is still ever-present. I made a conscience decision as I drove to purchase special 'color care' shampoo and conditioner that this alteration was not going to affect me. I gathered my thoughts, clutched my glimmering purse and marched as I always had across scampering shoppers and busy intersections with not a care in the world of getting a sassy honk or worse off, hit. The same cars that stopped for me as a glowing blond, haulted dead in their tracks for the new 'blazing' brunette.
Let it be known, blond is not contained in the color of one's hair, but found within the fibers of one's natural being. Once a blond, always a blond!
As perfect blonds are; we are always looking for new and exciting adventures. Well, my new and exciting adventure came about in the way of turning a new leaf. I have converted.......into a AUBURN-BRUNETTE!!!!! Might I remind all of you that I have never before been a brunette, but let me assure you that I am handling it was ease! A natural transition out of the old and into the new! This new wave of elegance and maturity is settling in rather comfortably.
No need to fear, the same me is still ever-present. I made a conscience decision as I drove to purchase special 'color care' shampoo and conditioner that this alteration was not going to affect me. I gathered my thoughts, clutched my glimmering purse and marched as I always had across scampering shoppers and busy intersections with not a care in the world of getting a sassy honk or worse off, hit. The same cars that stopped for me as a glowing blond, haulted dead in their tracks for the new 'blazing' brunette.
Let it be known, blond is not contained in the color of one's hair, but found within the fibers of one's natural being. Once a blond, always a blond!
Monday, February 14, 2005
'On this particular date.....'
Randomly one of my favorite but scandalous songs came on the radio... 'Angels in the Centerfold'!!!! I love that song!!!!!!
I suddenly remembered having to do a speech in college over, "On this particular date...... " Apparently that song came out over the date I was assigned.
Not only did I mention that song in my speech, but I played a portion of that song in the confines of a Baptist College building. So rebellious... so great!!!!!
I suddenly remembered having to do a speech in college over, "On this particular date...... " Apparently that song came out over the date I was assigned.
Not only did I mention that song in my speech, but I played a portion of that song in the confines of a Baptist College building. So rebellious... so great!!!!!
Thursday, February 10, 2005
From Rags to Riches
For many, growing pains usually hit around middle school to high school... however for 'Little Miss I Have it Together' reality and relentless sinking into my own skin hit a little later in life: COLLEGE.
Never before have I wanted to crawl into a huge hole to hide my wavering (lack-there-of) talent and unpleasantly toned body than when I ran track and cross country in college. I was and still am convinced that the sport I competed in during high school and the sport I waddled through in college, though described using the same words, were completely and entirely different. It was like sliding into the major leagues immediately after a year of T-Ball: an uphill and almost defeating climb to the top.
So as to not misrepresent my credibility/story telling abilities, I was a HORRIBLE runner my Freshman year compared to the 'OBU stallions'. Having come from a small Christian High School where I was one of the prizes to barely deserving the water girl responsibilities was a lot for a strong-willed and expectant girl to handle.
The self elected 'leader' of the team consisted of a rock-abed, light as a feather, doe-running, lengthy thighed, 2% body fat, pointy nosed, 1000% over dedicated, 'I'll pass on the ice cream thank you' senior girl, we'll call Nicki: whoops, is this her real name?! Her thriving intimidation was oddly admired by some but deeply scaring/resented by many quiet on-lookers. Her judgemental and territorial presence trickled down and slammed everyone into their constraining positions on the team.
I would love to say that things swung my way after charging onto the track screaming and tearing ol' Nicki to pieces, but nothing of the sort ever happened. Apparently this was my dose, or over-dose of humility sent straight from above. I gradually choked it down and emerged a bruised but stronger person. As the years crept by, I got stronger, more determined, Nicki graduated.... with several metals and broken records but no friends by her side, I finally got to stand on the platform of satisfaction.
Oh, the riches I have learned from those 4 years! If the wind is just right, exact smells come my way, waves of light a graze across me it brings me back to those painful, growing, renewing days of running through the beautiful country roads with my girls. I simply realized my goals for being on that team were so drastically different from the 'Nickis' in life: to impact lives was far more important than blasting the records or winning every race.
Well, gotta run!
Never before have I wanted to crawl into a huge hole to hide my wavering (lack-there-of) talent and unpleasantly toned body than when I ran track and cross country in college. I was and still am convinced that the sport I competed in during high school and the sport I waddled through in college, though described using the same words, were completely and entirely different. It was like sliding into the major leagues immediately after a year of T-Ball: an uphill and almost defeating climb to the top.
So as to not misrepresent my credibility/story telling abilities, I was a HORRIBLE runner my Freshman year compared to the 'OBU stallions'. Having come from a small Christian High School where I was one of the prizes to barely deserving the water girl responsibilities was a lot for a strong-willed and expectant girl to handle.
The self elected 'leader' of the team consisted of a rock-abed, light as a feather, doe-running, lengthy thighed, 2% body fat, pointy nosed, 1000% over dedicated, 'I'll pass on the ice cream thank you' senior girl, we'll call Nicki: whoops, is this her real name?! Her thriving intimidation was oddly admired by some but deeply scaring/resented by many quiet on-lookers. Her judgemental and territorial presence trickled down and slammed everyone into their constraining positions on the team.
I would love to say that things swung my way after charging onto the track screaming and tearing ol' Nicki to pieces, but nothing of the sort ever happened. Apparently this was my dose, or over-dose of humility sent straight from above. I gradually choked it down and emerged a bruised but stronger person. As the years crept by, I got stronger, more determined, Nicki graduated.... with several metals and broken records but no friends by her side, I finally got to stand on the platform of satisfaction.
Oh, the riches I have learned from those 4 years! If the wind is just right, exact smells come my way, waves of light a graze across me it brings me back to those painful, growing, renewing days of running through the beautiful country roads with my girls. I simply realized my goals for being on that team were so drastically different from the 'Nickis' in life: to impact lives was far more important than blasting the records or winning every race.
Well, gotta run!
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Life mixed with a big scoop of reality
Having grown up in so many different places, you would think I would be inherently amazing at coping with the twists and turns of life. However, in all my ever-flexing views of life and states, the reality could not be all the more far from me. The lessons that I gained from growing up in California, across to Ohio, and momentarily resting in down-home Oklahoma have stayed with me, urging me fly freely and just trust.......
In all this glorious freedom comes hesitation to return to the comfort of what has always been.... the unconditional-constant-unsurpassing-unwavering love that has come only from family and is churning with anticipation for something similar, something loyal, something true..... the longing to return to the safety of my childhood. The daily decisions consisted of nothing more or tragically complex than choosing between which Cheerios or Raisin Bran or what color Jolly Rancher to choose at the dentist's office. The reality that nothing will EVER be constant has hit like a welcomed and necessary load. This allows me to rest in the fact that my every move is calculated by the Lord, my Guider and Protector. What a breath of fresh and comforting air that I will never let slip from my reach!
In all this glorious freedom comes hesitation to return to the comfort of what has always been.... the unconditional-constant-unsurpassing-unwavering love that has come only from family and is churning with anticipation for something similar, something loyal, something true..... the longing to return to the safety of my childhood. The daily decisions consisted of nothing more or tragically complex than choosing between which Cheerios or Raisin Bran or what color Jolly Rancher to choose at the dentist's office. The reality that nothing will EVER be constant has hit like a welcomed and necessary load. This allows me to rest in the fact that my every move is calculated by the Lord, my Guider and Protector. What a breath of fresh and comforting air that I will never let slip from my reach!
Monday, January 31, 2005
Invasion of the Social Melting Pot
I can't decide if the socially unusual yet hysterical people I'm surrounded by on a daily bases are a reality thanks to my line of work or a strange invisible radar I was born with. After a year of working in the hospitality industry I am more and more confident that I do not fit in this high stress, drama queen (men included) swarming, no personal life, smoke infested, suite wearing, unpredictable environment. However, I really wouldn't trade it for the world. The lucky folks I have been infiltrated with make Day of Our Lives come to life.
I must admit, I do contribute to the drama from time to time, but usually I just sit back in my cozy couch, turn on the TV and watch it all unfold around me. Regardless, I whisk through an average day dealing with an entire Type-A sales team, company executives, fluttery brides, spastic chefs, stiff FBI agents, demanding celebrities, toothless janitors (my favorite), and the cute convenience store worker I visit every day to get a pack of gum.
Regardless, I love what they all bring to my life.... even if social perfection is no where in sight.
I must admit, I do contribute to the drama from time to time, but usually I just sit back in my cozy couch, turn on the TV and watch it all unfold around me. Regardless, I whisk through an average day dealing with an entire Type-A sales team, company executives, fluttery brides, spastic chefs, stiff FBI agents, demanding celebrities, toothless janitors (my favorite), and the cute convenience store worker I visit every day to get a pack of gum.
Regardless, I love what they all bring to my life.... even if social perfection is no where in sight.
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